Today I made a decision: rather than scramble back into the car and drive an hour to my weekly dance lesson, I would stay home and take care of my domestic life after a long weekend away and many many hours in the car.
The stress that removed from my day was tremendous. I really hate rushing.
But then I found myself slumping as I arrived home, sliding into the familiar tepid armpit of my life known as “Meh.” Where this morning the idea of having a chance to clean out my fridge and cook my own dinner and then actually do my laundry (last chance ’til Friday) was a relief, something I looked forward to cosily enjoying, by 6 p.m. it all seemed… well… meh. I wasn’t particularly hungry, though I had an armload of groceries. I didn’t really want to empty my compost, or make banana bread, or put away my yogurt. I mean, then what?
In an effort to ward off the “meh” I texted a few of my friends to see if we could be social in town somewhere. The three I happened to contact had other plans already. I decided to take this as a message from the universe saying, “Stick with your original intentions, your dirty laundry and lack of homemade food is stressing you out. Do something about it.” That didn’t make the “meh” go away.
I put away the dishes anyway. I put away the yogurt anyway. I ate the spring rolls I’d half-heartedly grabbed so that I’d at least eat something…anyway. Because, you know, I guess I’m an adult. Kind of.
Meh. Meh. Meh. Meh!
At first it was a relief to be swallowed up by the internet, dive into computer land, catch up with my newsfeed. I was engaged, I was interested. I watched like five episodes of Sexplanations, a youtube educational channel which I love for many reasons, the least of which is that it is fascinating and the most of which is that I believe it’s an incredible online source of information that everyone (EVERYONE) should have access to, and it’s really well done, which gave me a million ideas, and I was feeling inspired and excited… and then I kept clicking and I kept watching and I started feeling shitty and I said to myself: all I am doing is consuming consuming consuming.
That is why I feel like crap. I have three overdue letters to write, thank you cards to send, a sink full of old food that needs to go to the compost pile, a mountain of laundry, a head full of inspiration and ambition and all I am doing is vegetating on the internet consuming what others are creating and I feel disempowered and pointless and disconnected and, well, meh!
I could take a shower. I could read a book. I could take out the compost… Or I could make something. I have to make something.
Continue reading “What story am I telling? – A Narrative Account of My Evening”